Death by chopsticks
Apr 21st, 2006 by Peter
A few days ago my wife and I discussed why meat in some ways is an important ingredient in the human diet. Since the word ‘protein’ was new in my wife’s English vocabulary, she looked it up on our electronic translator and instantly knew what I was babbling about. Recognizing the word made her tell a story from back home in China.
Some time ago her mother was advised by a doctor to get rich food with a lot of protein and energy. So her father was told to shop specifically for this (of course following his wife’s orders). One of the more odd choices she made was a turtle. My wife’s family is from the northern China, and turtles are not the most normal food you find. Still my wife’s mother insisted that this would be just what the doctor ordered, and had previous experiences in cooking such a fella up.
In China most food is bought fresh, which basically means ‘alive and kicking’ if possible. The same goes for turtles, and one day my wife’s father delivered the beast home.
Since it was still alive, someone had to do the dirty deed of ending its misery and that certain someone was my wife’s father. He is a gentle man, and not that keen on killing, but there was no way out.
My wife’s mother told him to chop off its head, since this apparently was the normal way to do it (don’t ask me, I only killed a chicken, fish and some ants in my time). One thing about the turtle though, it was not ready to die just yet, so it did the most expectable thing and kept its head inside the shell.
So my wife’s father stood there ready with trembling hands holding and a ready hatch, but could not finish the job. I don’t know about you, but me, I would wait some minutes, or lure him out with some lettuce. But not my wife’s mother. She did not want to wait, and soon revealed to be a real turtle-cooking-pro. She grabbed a pair of chopsticks and jammed em up the rear hole of the poor turtle. The result was as you’d imagine. The turtle’s head came out and offered a clean cut. *WACK*. Die sucker!
Ever seen this sort a thing out side China? Well not here in Denmark, and I sure hope it does not make precedence. I mean, think about the next time you consult your dentist and fail to “open wide” enough? Or the next romantic séance of which your equipment goes limp? You do the math.
Ouch! Poor turtle. Aren’t there cheaper and easier protein sources like chicken and tofu?
I love “Chinese science” (and I use the term loosely).
The other night my girlfriend told me that she can’t go outside if her hair is wet because it will cause Alzheimer’s disease when she is old. How did she know? Her mother told her that ‘Chinese scientists’ had said so.
Ha ha… Excellent. First time I heard Alzheimer related to wet hair. :-)
Same like the time when I was in Shenzhen and used the hotel room’s bathtub for a relaxing bath. When C. found out she scolded me, since this was public and unclean. Even though I used the cleaning soap to make the tub extra clean before use (and the tub actually was very clean before). From what I learned this is common knowledge that public bathtubs are unclean in China.