Bring on the Night

A newbie Laowai’s notes on Chinese public bathing for foreigners

You enter the joint while all employees look at you with awe and say “Ni hao” (this is the version where they’ve actually seen you before). Then you let your Chinese wife do the buying of fat laowai washing time, as you flip flop in your slippers (that your father-in-law bought for you) to the bench to change to another pair of slippers. You then lock your own slippers into a cabinet with the key you were handed when you came. As you sit there the male employee with the crocked eye recognizes you and pats you on the arm and says something in Chinese. You’re not sure whether he’s being friendly or just wants to touch the foreigner.

On with the flip flopping up red carpeted stairs where you are greeted by a dark skinned man in his 50s. He has a worn face and curious eyes. He seems to be a nice guy, but understands nothing whatsoever of English. Also he can’t seem to grasp simple Chinese sentences/words when spoken by a laowai. Not even those that do well all other spots in town. Sign language apparently only adds to the confusion, so you’re screwed when you point/ask for a towel later. Even after 3 visits there it will still be a surprise to him that you want one.

You turn around the corner and a bigger room opens up. The room is not the first ting you see though. What is the real greeter is the amount of penises saluting you from the costumers on the divans. This room is arranged so all divans are positioned for both your and their pleasure. Your locker is situated directly under a TV screen showing the usual Chinese mumbo jumbo. It’s normally consisting of multicoloured flashing commercials for some healthcare product that probably will give you a skin rash if used too frequently.

In this room you’re the main man. At least this is how you’ll feel when you undress and everyone in the room stare at you. Everyone, except that dude snoring with a semi hard-on. What’s the better deal: getting dream-laid or watch the Danish Yeti prepare for a shower? He’ll sure miss out.

As you put your stuff into the cabinet you can feel all eyes fixing on you. You’re Frodo taking a wrong turn to Mordor and accidentally knocking on the black gate to ask for directions.

After changing clothes and stuffing your belongings into the cabinet, you scramble down the stairs to make for the showers. This is when you realize that you’ve forgotten to take off your boxers. Back up, where the dark skinned friendly employee looks puzzled at your quick return, but see the problem. You take em off as fast as possible and lock them into the cabinet.

This is about the same time you’re notice that this is your annual “ground hog day” and the animal just won’t show. There’s definite shrinkage which is unheard of on a 30 degrees Celsius summer day. Way to be a representative for the western civilisation. You almost wish you were the one with a semi hard-on.

Back down the stairs and into the shower room. There’s 2 big baths. One with cold and one with warm water. Then there’s a line of showers and a glass covered room which may or may not be indented for a sauna. You don’t really want to know anyway. Near the entrance there’s also a divan/bench where 1 guy is getting a massage. The other guy is really going at it and getting a good sweat going. Both of them are naked. The guy getting the massage is on his back. The masseur is using one hand to work the inside of the other guys  thigh, while his other hand is used to push the costumers balls up and away from the massaged area. Don’t envy that guys job a whole lot.

The warm bath is occupied by a fella who’s almost sleeping. Under the showers someone is shampooing. All people are watching you emerge into their sanctuary with a mix of terror and curiosity.

You head for a shower and realize that you’re still wearing your glasses. This is not your day. You take em off, but might as well not have, as they are already wet from the damps.

You forgot your own shampoo, but since you’ve been here before, you knew this would not be a problem. Last time you noticed there were 2 big bottles of public shampoo. Get the water running and push out some shampoo/soap/goo. You decide on the green goo, since you’ve already tried the creamy version the last time you were there, and that was some runny stuff of doubtless quality/origin. Same result and it takes 3 hair washes to get the job done.

Meanwhile you can make sure you’re the cream of the crop. You’re eyed down like the good guy in a spaghetti western. You got the western sausage – They want to see it. That’s basic knowledge. Well, good luck getting a glimpse of that scared bastard today anyway guys.

When what feels like a million years later, but probably only was 3 minutes, your head out the door as your fellow bather’s eyes follow you. Distantly you can hear them start talking. You wonder about what, but think you recognize the words “Pang”, “Waiguren”, “Hao” and not necessarily in that order in an otherwise blur of “fongs, chongs and long” sounds.

Midway on the stairs you meet a 10 year old boy who stops his motion to stare at your equipment. As your fleshy hairy butt bounces upwards past him you can feel him turning around to get a real good glimpse. At the top of the stairs you turn around to check out if he’s still staring…… he is.

Before you enter the changing room with the penises-on-parade guys, you catch the old employee’s eyes to ask for a towel. Ahh the good old don’t-understand-laowai’s-intentions-game can begin.

A few embarrassing seconds later and freshly equipped with a towel, you head into the changing room. That’s when you notice that the floor is spotless clean from water. You’re dripping heavily yourself from the shower. The fact that big hairy bodies attract water like a sponge is not helping you out. So you do your best to politely gesture if it’s alright to enter when you are still wet. You even come up with the Chinese word for water as you point on the floor, but the old bloke just stares at you like you’re crazy. After fruitless attempts you think: “To hell with it, I’m going in!”, which turns out to be the right decision. At least for now. If it isn’t then there’s nothing but the constant whispering in the corners to give it away.

As you dry up your body you remember your wife’s last words before you ventured up the stairs: “Don’t use the public towels on ‘Mr. Anderson’. I don’t think the towels here are clean!”. So you try to avoid too much rubbing there, but also do it a little so the audience doesn’t think your not cleaning yourself properly. It’s a show, and you’re a crowd-pleaser. That’s why they come back every time, right?

Almost finished dressing and you reach out for that deodorant you brought from Denmark. It’s a known fact that fat guys sweat a lot, and you for one need your fix. The old employee who’ve been staring at you all the time (like the rest there) gets up from his seat to get a closer look at this devil device from Denmark. As he gets that it’s a roll-on, he says “ahhh”, while you do your best saying “Bu chou” and “Meiyou chou” to hope one of those sink in.

Then on with the act and get hold of your aftershave. This one gets even more attention. This time the employee does not only raise from his bench, but also walks the 3 steps to get close enough to get a whiff from the bottle. You repeat your Chinese lesson and say “xiang”. You guess you made yourself understood, because you get an “ahhh” as reward. This is eventually also the time you are put in the probably-gay-laowai category by the old geezer.

All done and walking away from the most embarrassing 10 minutes of your life, you can hear the employee say “blablablabla weiguren denmai ren blablablabla”. You know that this is his moment to shine. He has seen this pale hairy foreigner more than once and already know more about you than you want him too.

You are greeted by your wife who says “You’re fast!” and you know that’s the truth. You mumble a “Zaijin” at the reception and smile as you step out into the sun.

You realize that you haven’t stopped sweating during the whole bathing show and start wondering if it was really worth it.

Tags: bathing, China, Humour, rant