Rules of endangerment
Nov 2nd, 2006 by Peter
It’s raining Ladies! Unfold your umbrellas and feel all troubles and logic disappear.
The 6 basic rules for female umbrella carrying
Rule nr. 1:
Don’t bother where your 8 pointed death spike goes. It’s not your fault if people happen to lose an eye. They should look out – not you. You hold the umbrella, so THEY have to be careful. That’s common knowledge. If someone loses an eye, what good could it be anyway? A good eye would have spotted an incoming umbrella.
Rule nr. 2:
When you enter a bus, make sure to cram your soaked umbrella against the other passengers. That’s the best way to fast dry your umbrella. It’s important since it won’t drip on your perm later when you have to enter the rain again.
Rule nr. 3:
If you enter a crowed tunnel where the rain can’t bother you for the next 5 minutes walk, don’t fold your umbrella away. That’s not lean thinking and a waste of energy. Just plow through the people-pile and ignore the screams of horror building up behind you.
Rule nr. 4:
When you walk down a crowded pedestrian street, you should “wear” your umbrella, not hold it up and away from possible collisions. It’s a fashion statement, remember? Let it hang really low so your face is completely hidden underneath. It makes you more mysterious to the opposite sex. It is not important that only 3 feet ahead is visible to you. You won’t hit anyone on your death walk through the crowds. If history have taught us anything, it’s that nature gave all humans an uncanny ability to fan out as you crash your umbrella through a street.
Rule nr. 5:
If (when) you see a wonderful must-gaze-at blouse in a window, don’t stop slowly and make sure you won’t hit anyone with your umbrella. Just make a full stop and turn to the window as your wave your pike-wheel in the air and say: “Ohhhhhh what a beautiful blouse”. Don’t worry, no one behind you will crash into your knife edged satellite dish.
Rule nr. 6:
Remember that it is your duty to stop in the middle of the street and talk to your friends. Don’t bother pulling to the side even though your umbrellas take all the space. The busy people will automatically step unto the curve of the street or walk in the pools. If they don’t, they are not really that busy, right?